BLOGGING: How My Style Evolved with My Life

I was originally planning on making Tuesday's post all about the October 2018 Ipsy Bag but plans can change on a dime. While doing some blog upkeep, I found a draft I had written back in November 24, 2013. It was never published of course, but it gave me pause. That was nearly five years, waiting to be finished. I'm writing this post now as not just a reaction to this draft but to examine how I've changed since that post was first penned down and never completed. It's been deleted from the drafts but I've saved it on OneNote for posterity. 

Back in 2013, I was on my second year of law school, and unfortunately, not doing very well. The previous semester had gone extremely poorly grades wise and I was still reeling from being put on academic probation because of it. I don't have as many qualms as I used to talking about this problem anymore. Talking about the problem has become a way to help others understand that they're not alone in that stress or that pressure. Law School wasn't a cake walk but I tried to hide the toll it was taking on me. My blog style was...unrefined to say the least. Not to say I'm an expert blogger now, but yikes at past-me. I was really pretending everything was fine, using TV-Tropes references, when it wasn't and it comes off as overly trying to be funny for the sake of it. 

The topic was about video games and the problems that could come with their topics and their themes. In retrospect, I was nowhere near as mature as I needed to be to properly examine the matter. In fact, I was aiming for everything that I could make the blog be, instead of a cohesive structure. I wasn't taking blogging as seriously as I do now. I do cut past me some slack for acknowledging even then that the Citizens United decision was going to have ripple effects on Constitutional Law. Past me also saw the cracks in the video game production cycle, and the burnout of downloadable content or DLC for short. Past me had no idea that loot boxes would arrive soon after. And of course, Past Me couldn't comprehend the Super Mario Bros movie as the schlocky mess that it is. 

But again, I was trying to be everything and not having the same consistency as I'm attempting do now. That said, my old 2013 posts had way more traffic that the posts I have going on right now. And I know why: social media engagement. Back then, I would post on my main tumblr page and tag it with popular fandom tags. Unfortunately, I don't use tumblr as much, mostly because it's a bandwidth hog of a site/app and my internet isn't as reliable anymore. Thank Hurricane Maria for that one. I would like to create an Instagram or a twitter account for this blog, just to have something to promote it again. I do just enjoy writing here and maybe making some extra income, if it makes sense. 

Five years can really change a person, and more so the experiences that come with those years. In 2013, I wasn't in the best place possible because of my failed semester and feeling like I wasn't good enough. In 2018, I'm still overcoming the same issues that plagued me but in a much calmer, more intentional approach. Back then, I was reacting more than I was planning. I was compensating with tired jokes and quips back then, and in some way, I still do. I collected things that I thought would bring me joy, I tried to forge on ahead without thinking about what little steps I could change. I was surviving, rather than living.

I currently try to live a more intentional life, by journals and mindfulness. I examine all points of view in a problem and focus when things need to be done. I try to plan and embrace the mistakes as they happen. That version of myself isn't someone I outright cringe and want to forget but it's someone who needed a lot more growing up to do. That person needed focus but needed to stop and truly assess what was going on. I'm by no means a perfect version of myself, no one ever is. I'm still afraid of taking out the camera and recording a vlog. I still deal with insecurity and fear of being judged or rejected. But I still keep going. 

- SP